Thou Mayest.

I'm really glad that Carissa gave me 'East of Eden' to read. It's giving me the inspiration to get my shit together again and come out of the hole I have been hiding in for the last couple years. Well, at least it's adding a positive voice to my internal struggle.

One of the characters is mirroring one of my own personal struggle. Wandering aimlessly, finding a girl whom he loves blindly, getting that love shot out of him by the one who put it there, and then the struggle to get back on his feet and keep trying. One of the themes of the book is struggle. If you aren't fighting and struggling for things you care about, then you are wasting life.It's the uphill struggle that makes you great. It's fighting every battle because it matters, and a body at rest remains at an unhappy rest. This is a lesson I am now learning, after wasting a lot of my time avoiding the world and all it's pointless struggles. In the end, the struggle only really needs to matter to one person.

The last 6 months I have been hiding myself behind armor. It's been a polar shift. I've been seeing women as evil creatures intent on stealing men's souls. I'll always feel slightly afraid of women, because men will always desire them and lose their minds in the presence of da ladies. I still feel that culturally, the balance of power between genders is fluid. Men and women want different things, and the reconciliation between those two has made for an interesting time. Men push boundaries and poke and prod the world around them trying to create and solve new problems, while women seek balance and common understanding while building communities and ammeliorating the chaos around them.

I do feel that American society has produced a culture of princesses who see men for their kingdoms, just like men see women for their physical features and their sex; neither genders sees much past that and looks for inner beauty, which is tragic to me. That's just me being weird though. It almost makes sense that as long as you can present yourself to the opposite gender what they are seeking. Women are on a constant quest to be as beautiful as they can, while guys pour themselves into their career and making a good living. This is the way the world works, and I am just now figuring it out. It's fun to think about.

What this means to me, is that it's time to stop moping and keep searching for someone to have in my life, no matter how fruitless the battle or the journey. This lesson holds even after I find a girlfriend or whatever, never stop fighting for yourself.

This doesn't mean I have to give up something else in my life to start down this road. On the contrary: I need to keep shoving more stuff into my life until nothing else fits. If I have free time, I will find something to do. Working out, running, reading, writing, things that are tangible and have value. Sitting around all weekend playing a video game just won't cut it anymore.

Speaking of futile struggles, I might just go make a match profile and see what bites.