231.

The year is half over. As Chris Farley would say, "HOLY SHNYKIES", henceforth it's time to check in.

I started this crazy notion at the beginning of the year to invest in myself. One of the things I wanted to do was get in a better physical condition, something that would be completely selfish. It's been a great transformation. I have accomplished some of the goals I set for myself, and I feel really proud of the work I have done.

The good:

-Lost about 30lbs so far. Well on track to lose all 50 by years end, so I'm going to work hard to meet and beat that goal.

-Inches and shape. My body looks much better than it ever has. I'm going to need to start buying new clothes soon that fit me better. Wh-oot.

-Nutrition. It was rough at first to get on a good nutrition schedule but I've found one that works for me, and it's not some fucking stupid all protein, or powersauce fad crap. I'm eating better because I want to for the long run. I still want to be able to eat delicious food, but just not a lot of it. This is the problem with American diets: portion control. Right now I am eating smaller meals, more frequently, and teaching my body to survive on smaller meals. This might sound sort of gross, but I noticed my success was working when I was taking smaller poops. Deal with it.

My job: This isn't an investment in me per se, but I think I have landed a whale of a job. Me gusta.

Spanish: So, I'm learning Spanish now as well and it's keeping me away from video games. I have a lovely lady helping me learn too, and she is really excited that I am getting good at it.

The not so good:

Self Esteem: I think this one will be one of those things that I may not have the strength to change. I feel great about myself, really I do. I am generally a badass. The thing I lack is that alpha attitude, and I guess that is just something that you are born with; I don't feel the need to impose my will over anyone else, but instead I like to absorb the worlds contradictions and idiosyncrasies. I'm definitely more confident tho. Props.

Women: This is a blog post in itself, but tldr, women have fucked up. You are all walking contradictions, but it's not your fault. You ladies are this big bag of emotions, with no rhyme or reason why you do things, and then you whine and complain later when you didn't get what you want. It's not your fault, you were just drawn that way. I need to figure out how to deal with you. It goes both ways I suppose.

Beer: HOLY FUCKING TEABAGGING CHRIST BEER, I MISS YOU SO MUCH. SHOON.

Has the investment paid off? Fuck if I know. Too soon to tell if anything. I may never know. Opportunity cost is a tricky thing to measure, especially when you are trying to measure your life.

Putting it out there.

I resubbed to Match for the summer. Best time to date, and I could really use some exposure to the world outside the electric grid. It's also been a while since I have stepped back and defined what I want from whomever I'm sharing a cup of coffee or whatever with.

At first I just wanted to be just as goofy and funny as possible trying to shed light on how stupid the whole online daitng thing is, but then I realized that nobody was responding to my finely crafted sonnets of love.

Here is the post I wrote to sum me up. I think I nailed it.

I’m looking for someone, maybe they are on the internet. Some of the most interesting people, and some of my best friends are there...

At this point in my life, I have been through a lot, and I have grown incredibly as a person; tragically not nearly enough. No matter what you accomplish, own, or do in life, the struggle is the parts that count. To quote the Barenaked Ladies, “Everything easy has its cost.” I know that I will always be struggling, seldom taking the easy road, and I want to find that person that wants do things not because they are easy, but because they are interesting.

I love a girl who can always be herself, no matter what is going on around her. Being yourself is sometimes rough, but at the end of the day, you can’t be anything else. Be honest with yourself, and I will return the favor. Talk, and I will listen. Teach me something, and I will show you my own weird world. Laugh with me, and I will keep the humor on tap. I’m a complete person by myself, but I want something more than that; I want to build something incredible, even if it only exists between two people.


Ultimately, I don't think it matters what I say or don't say in my profile; just paint a picture of what I feel and those who read it will fill in the gaps with their own paintbrush. It's not about what you say, but what you don't say.

Diablo 3 Love/Hate

Diablo 3 is a great game, but I have a love hate relationship with it right now. I love what it is, and I hate what it is trying to be.

I hold this game very near and dear to my heart. I probably dumped a whole summer into the original game. At the time, dungeon crawlers were pretty disposable. Once you ran through them once and got all the loot, you were done; replaying the dungeon was the same thing no matter how many times you played it. Diablo introduced random dungeon layouts and random loot, something that had never been done at that scale and production quality before.

I cut my teeth on an old Net.Hack clone called Mission Thunderbolt back for the Mac. Every playthough was different, and the turn based combat was visceral, literally beating things to death. It was the random element that kept me playing, and I still boot it up once in a while.

At it's core, Diablo is a slot machine; it introduces random intermittent rewards (loot) for a defined input (killing monsters). In order to progress, you must play the game better or get better loot in order to be more effective against harder monsters, which drop better loot. It's the most elegant gear treadmill ever designed. This is why I love the game, you can choose your own level of difficulty and involvement. The harder you push against the game, the harder it pushes back, and it's internal random number generator gives you the rewards your rat brain wants.

This is what made Diablo 1 and Diablo 2 so addicting. The intermittent reward model has been shown to be the most addictive behavior for our brains to keep doing the same task.

The new Diablo model is a little different. Now you not only have your own instance of the random number generator (I'm just going to call it a RRG - a Random Reward Generator) giving you loot, but you have an auction house linking your RRG to everyone elses RRG. This basically neuters the reward system that we have known and loved, and replaces it with a market based reward system.

The reward system in Diablo 3 is also very unforgiving. You have to kill a LOT of monsters to get loot that improves your potency against the game. The random bonuses on loot are poluted with garbage stats (gold pickup radius, health globe bonus), not to mention class specific gear and the fact that most classes want stats on gear that is dramatically different from the other classes. Playing the probability game, a lot of dice rolls need to come up in your favor to get loot with the most effective stats. In essence, the odds are stacked in the house's favor.

This is where the new Diablo breaks down for me. Now you can see the guts of the machine. You can see the beautiful shiny items on the auction house, and how vastly inferior your own gear is. You now have the option of spending your time farming gold to buy the good itemized gear on the AH, or you can drop some real life coin and go that route as well; the third option is jumping on that gear treadmill and playing against the house for gear that has useful itemization (I swear to god the next monk only fist weapon that has +Str and +Int on it, I'm going to go kill some kittens).

Diablo 3 is a pay or play game like League of Legends or any free to play MMO out there. They gave it away for free to the hopelessly addicted WoW people, and sold it to the nostalgic Blizzard gamers that love them so much. I heard an analogy that Blizzard is the Disney of the video game industry, where they just iterate on their previous successes. Blizzard's plan is to make money on the tail of the real money AH, where "game balances" will drive the economy and shift people into different item budgets.

The pay/play model is killing me. This seems to be the way of the future, where monetization gets sneakier and sneakier all the time. Externalizing costs has always been the way to make a profit and make money in business, and it has finally come to video games; to me, this business model finds the stupid people who will pour money into time savers and "cheats" to make their own game experience better. I know this has been around for a while with downloadable content, but I think we are just now seeing the consequences. Smart people play with skill, and stupid people play with their dollars. I think this kind of model will see developers and game designers chasing the time savers and cheaters, instead of the smarter people who can play within the bounds of the game. Games will get stupider and will start to resemble actual slot machines more and more, or even the old arcade games of old.

I'm still playing the game, but only to see how far I can take my hardcore toon. Once he dies, I think I am done. I rolled a WD at launch, and I can only see grind in my future since I have reached inferno. I'll try to hock all my gear on the real money AH and see if I can make a little scratch.

Thou Mayest.

I'm really glad that Carissa gave me 'East of Eden' to read. It's giving me the inspiration to get my shit together again and come out of the hole I have been hiding in for the last couple years. Well, at least it's adding a positive voice to my internal struggle.

One of the characters is mirroring one of my own personal struggle. Wandering aimlessly, finding a girl whom he loves blindly, getting that love shot out of him by the one who put it there, and then the struggle to get back on his feet and keep trying. One of the themes of the book is struggle. If you aren't fighting and struggling for things you care about, then you are wasting life.It's the uphill struggle that makes you great. It's fighting every battle because it matters, and a body at rest remains at an unhappy rest. This is a lesson I am now learning, after wasting a lot of my time avoiding the world and all it's pointless struggles. In the end, the struggle only really needs to matter to one person.

The last 6 months I have been hiding myself behind armor. It's been a polar shift. I've been seeing women as evil creatures intent on stealing men's souls. I'll always feel slightly afraid of women, because men will always desire them and lose their minds in the presence of da ladies. I still feel that culturally, the balance of power between genders is fluid. Men and women want different things, and the reconciliation between those two has made for an interesting time. Men push boundaries and poke and prod the world around them trying to create and solve new problems, while women seek balance and common understanding while building communities and ammeliorating the chaos around them.

I do feel that American society has produced a culture of princesses who see men for their kingdoms, just like men see women for their physical features and their sex; neither genders sees much past that and looks for inner beauty, which is tragic to me. That's just me being weird though. It almost makes sense that as long as you can present yourself to the opposite gender what they are seeking. Women are on a constant quest to be as beautiful as they can, while guys pour themselves into their career and making a good living. This is the way the world works, and I am just now figuring it out. It's fun to think about.

What this means to me, is that it's time to stop moping and keep searching for someone to have in my life, no matter how fruitless the battle or the journey. This lesson holds even after I find a girlfriend or whatever, never stop fighting for yourself.

This doesn't mean I have to give up something else in my life to start down this road. On the contrary: I need to keep shoving more stuff into my life until nothing else fits. If I have free time, I will find something to do. Working out, running, reading, writing, things that are tangible and have value. Sitting around all weekend playing a video game just won't cut it anymore.

Speaking of futile struggles, I might just go make a match profile and see what bites.

Show, Don't Tell.

I've always loathed advertizing. It's an omnipresent thing in the world we live in. It's like a nagging child, always struggling to get your attention; never relenting and always needing your mental bandwidth. I can't even count the avenues that the marketing pros have developed to tell you about the latest thing they want you to buy. I mean, it serves a purpose right, other that to convince people that they need stuff, right? I guess...

Anyways, I think I have figured out what makes advertizing, storytelling, and communication in general very effective. There is an old adage that I have always thought of as underrated: "Show, Don't Tell". I never realized how important it was until I was watching a car commercial. Irony is awesome.

I have an idea that I want to share, let's see if I can pull it off...

It was the end of the day. I was weary and worn down by computer simulations, phone calls, emails, and just general work shenanigans. Caught the shuttle over to the repair shop, and my car was getting a wash when I got there so I had a few minutes to kill. I grabbed a cup of coffee from the waiting room as I stared blankly at an old episode of Friends that was playing out. Something about getting ready for Chandler and Monica's wedding. The commercial came on, and it was a nice looking Audi driving down the street. The driver had a smug smile on his face as he was driving down the shady neighborhood street. All of a sudden, a child started running in front of the car. The driver reacted quickly and braked and avoided the child. I didn't even realize it, but I breathed a sigh of relief.

So what happened there? I tried to do to you, what the car commercial did to me. I wanted to invite you into my world, and have you there with me seeing feeling what I felt, and seeing what I saw. I wanted to bring you into my experience, and show you, not tell you, what I saw.

I could have just said, "Hey, anti-lock brakes are really awesome and could save some kid's life". That doesnt really communicate anything though, it doesn't engage you and just falls flat. It just tells you what you already know.

The commercial showed me the advantages of the newest driving and braking technologies. It didn't spout off technical specs, babble or flashed words on the screen. It pulled me in and engaged my imagination and emotions. In that small time period, the small Audi story became a living moment that I shared with "it". That is the power of showing instead of telling, not only do you engage someone else into the story you want to tell, you allow someone else to share in the creation of that world.

Great storytellers can create such vivid worlds that their listeners/readers/viewers become engrossed and actually start to fill in the gaps with their own ideas and creating a world they want to see. This is the power of showing. I felt emotionally connected with the driver, because I was adding some of my own paint to the picture; applying what I saw to who I was.

Showing takes time, care, skill and practice; not everyone is going to get it, but those that do will have a much stronger connection with your story and your idea. Let your audience connect the dots, and don't spell everything out for them. Leave them clues that they will feel something about connecting.

Hardcores n' Casuals

I posted this in my guild forums because we were having a sissyfight between the Raiders and the Causals. Seems to hold up pretty well in general to the WoW community. For what it's worth...some strong language ahead:

Hey Hardcores,

You guys are terrible at this game. Whoopty fucking doo, you cleared a nerfed instance. Grats to you. If I was handed a nerfed kill, I would just fucking kill myself cause there is no glory in it. Be the best at this game, and then you can act high and mighty towards everyone else. Back in my day we did Heroic Halion uphill both ways in the snow. Spine is pussy shit. "Back in my day" everyone gave group hugs and handskies before AND after raids, and we still killed progression content. Nostlagia is awesome and all, but right now, some of you come across as dicks. If you want everyone in the community to see you in that light, I guess that's cool. Hardcore raiders that don't want to be seen in that light might want to do something about it. I mean, some of you probably don't have much going on in your lives, and you can live on the internet posting image macros without having one original thought going through your head. I've played with better people, who actually have interesting lives, and who are better at the game than some of you. Some of them are Casuals.

Hey Casuals,

Put your adult pants on. Seriously quit getting hurt in your vaginas, and play the game with the rest of us. We are a raiding community. We raid. I know some of you think that this is ultra mega happy hello kitty fun hour, but some of us play this game to have fun and to master something we love. It upsets some people that you think you deserve the same rewards and the same fun for putting less of yourself into the game for it. For you to think that you are on the same level as those people is retarded. Go ahead, whine about it. As you whine more, I give a shit less. Do what the hardcore raiders did and solve your problems on your own without crying about it. Do you play this game because it is a sanctuary where you can feel awesome and important, just to bitch and moan about how horrible other people are making your lives? I really doubt anyone is actually out to get you personally. Actually, I am sure of it. Don't be a martyr.

Shiftin' Liftin'

So, I've been hitting the gym hard since I broke up with my trainer. I've gotten back to lifting after doing rabbit food workouts with the dude. I incorporated a couple new exercises into my routine, working out my "core". I'm not sure exactly why core workouts are so awesome and great for you, but I am pretty sure they don't hurt.

Here is my current workout routine:

Even workouts:

-Woodchoppers
-Renegade Row
-Barbell Squat
-Shoulder Barbell Press
-Power Clean
-Mountain Climbers/One Foot Toe Touches in between sets.
-Crunches
-Cardio

Odd Workouts:

-Hyperextension
-Hanging Knee Raise
-Barbell Squat
-Bench Press
-Barbell Deadlift
-Mountain Climbers/One Foot Toe Touches in between sets.
-Crunches
-Cardio

Until this week, I had been doing sets of 8 on my barbell lifts. I would rather not become a muscle bound dude. I want to be strong, but not inflated. So, I am taking my sets of 8 and moving them up to sets of 12 and shaving about 20lbs off. This week felt pretty good with the new routines. My muscles are a little more sore, and my heart rate stays up during the sets, which I'm hoping will aid a little more in weight loss.

I'm aiming to lose weight ultimately, but not for the sake of just weight loss. I want to get stronger, run faster, and have more endurance. So far, I haven't lost much weight in terms of just the scale. It's a little disappointing, but I can feel healthier regardless of what the scale says. My clothes fit better; in particular I own a pair of pants with a button snap which used to come undone ALL THE TIME. I'm wearing them right now, and I haven't had to rebutton them in a couple weeks, even when not wearing a belt. So go me.

The weight loss will come, but at not at the expense of getting stronger. My diet is still on the heavy side, and that will need some work before the pounds really start coming off. My diet isn't even bad per se. I'm not drinking soda, not eating a lot of fatty foods, not over indulging in carbs and the like. I even cut beer and alcohol out for the most part. I will have one beer/drink per week and even then only with friends. I'm cooking almost all my own meals and making them as healthy as possible. The next step is to start logging all of my meals and take stock of what is going into my body. I'm not ready to do this yet though. I'm still focused on the exercise part.

Goals:

Log food intake.
Take more pictures for progress.
Get a tape measure to track progress.