Wednesday, November 30, 2011

From hell's heart I stab at thee!

Thanksgiving sucked.

I hadn't been back to South Dakota in about 2 years, and I was really excited to see my family and a ton of people that I hadn't been around in a while. Everyone was doing really well, and doing fun things, having babies, going to college, having boyfriends/girlfriends, and enjoying life. While hearing about all this and talking to everyone, I was having a hard time coming up with anything that I could tell them about how good things are with me. I have a very social, attractive fun family and I already felt like the black sheep, so this compounded my problems.

I feel like all I have is this big dumb brain, which inhibits me more than anything. I’m not especially good looking or friendly. Being social is hit and miss; sometimes I really enjoy myself, other times I just want it to end. This is all hitting me today. All the change I set up for myself over the last year seems to have been a pretty big failure. Crappy job, no relationship prospects, and my self-esteem has never been lower.

I hate my job, but as I look for a new one, I get scared of making another career mistake. Working for my company is stressful and unfulfilling. The work and the theory behind what I do is interesting, but the management at the company is nonexistent; they seem more interested in making money and jumping through hoops for new customers than getting the fundamentals right. Their software is just a bunch of hacks they throw on top of one another to keep the system going. It’s not a place for an electrical engineer; it seems like more of a place for someone with a finance or business degree. I have a pretty bleak opinion about commodities and financial trading, and this job isn’t helping.

Quitting outright seems like a better and better option every day, even if I don’t have another job lined up. Something in the back of my mind says that this experience is making me stronger, but I feel like it is just killing me softly. I still work with my old employer once a week, and they are always telling me I can come back, but this just makes things worse. It reminds me that my job is a pile of steaming excrement.

I want to move out of Colorado, but I waffle on that front as well. Where do I want to be? Will I miss having my family around? Will I just eventually hate it there as well and am I trapped in some weird cycle?

I don't want to be unhappy; every day I try to do things and think things that get me in a better mood, or cheer me up. The same old tricks and my tried and true methods aren’t working anymore: Upgrading my computer, playing video games, good beer, and sushi. First world problems I suppose, but they are MY first world problems.

This big down note is probably needed though. You need the bad to appreciate the good. It just sucks fucking ass when all the good and all the bad hits at once.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Addicted to Love

If there has been one thing that confused and interested right and left brained people alike throughout the ages, I think love tops the list. Whether it be chemical, spiritual, or soulful, love eludes us and tantalizes us even when you think you have a grasp on it. Whatever "it" is, its power cannot be questioned.

Love affects the brain in strange ways; many people have made the comparison that love is a drug. I tend to agree. I've been in love. It makes a person do very strange and uncharacteristic things. It can take many forms. I have loved family, women, friends, games, and other things. It makes you feel good about yourself to have something other than yourself that you can care about, and if administered correctly, love has as symbiotic effect that enhances that feeling tremendously if that love is returned. Prolonged exposure to this love substance has a high chance of addiction, and I think a lot of people who have breakups, lose a loved one, or can't interact with an activity in the same way suffer from serious withdrawal. Hi, my name is Eric, and it's been 18 months since my last hit.

This sobering period has made me rethink who I am as a person since the ex. We were madly in love, and this led to a severe withdrawal. There was a short period of downtime after we broke up, but my love addiction needed to be sated. I look back on the last year and I have been desperate for a fix, something to pick me up and keep me going. In retrospect, I was dating compulsively; I threw a lot of time and energy into seeking other people out, hoping to have the love demon quieted. I think I am recovered, but there is a long journey ahead. I feel like an alcoholic who has just discovered he has a problem with alcohol; he is not sure if he can trust himself with the substance that has caused him so much pain.

Is love real? You betcha. For all you nay sayers out there, you just haven't tried it, or are recovering like me and the only way to stay clean is the not acknowledge that it exists. That’s fine though. Do I want to stay clean forever? At the moment, yes; I’m not sure who I will meet, or where I will be but I’m confident that at some point in the future that crazy potion #9 will end up back in my system.