Thursday, December 13, 2012

The Post.

/checks forum
/forum = "Complete Bullshit"
/set fucks="0"

I feel like Furioso. A different raider from a different time. I wanted things to stay the same, while the guild changed and evolved. My Big Crits was a place where I had authority and control and things could be done my way. T10 belonged to me, my 10man belonged to me, Da Crew belonged to me for a short while. I could do or say whatever the fuck I wanted and I had control over where the boat went. 

I came back to raiding and I was not in control anymore. I liked it at first. I could just be anonymous average raider #1937-4. You know how they say it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks? It's even harder to make him unlearn the tricks he already knows. I decided to fight the new way instead of adapt to it.


Important boss ability incoming, and nobody is calling it. I might as well say something. Get hand slapped. Suggest a battle res on a healer/tank 10 seconds after they die. Get called out. Try to help by suggesting a strat in raid chat. Feel ignored. Send a tell to raid leader about how to improve something. You are being ignored. After a while I just felt like I was getting in the way and not ameliorating the situation. The part of my brain that raid leads and things critically about encounters never got turned off and I don't know how to turn it off. It got so bad I literally muted myself for several weeks because I couldn't stop.

Part of the reason I play this game is because it makes me feel important/useful/smart/endowed whatever. After the first few weeks of heroic progression, I felt worthless. I couldn't stay alive on some encounters. I couldn't be trusted with important assignments. Every night felt like I was that guy holding everyone back during progression. 

Plus there is history with the guild. I was an officer, then I wasn't, then I was kinda, now I'm not. I spent one night after Rash stepped down thinking, "Do I want to stick my dick in this blender and offer to raid lead again? I obviously don't have the self discipline to regulate it, why not?" When I said, I didn't want to be an officer again, that was more me telling myself rather than stating an obvious fact.

I agree with Sarc. Big Crits does not know how to communicate in raids. People don't know how to filter the bullshit, and add constructive input on a boss. I don't know whether I contributed to or mitigated that situation. I'm guessing I just added to the pile. It seems like trivial stuff boils to the surface, and important things fall through the cracks (calling for cooldowns, stormlashes, battle reses, boss gotchas, Hey my thing that I need is on cooldown halp pls)

The era of Stoney where we had very top down style leadership is what I know, and Sarc/Jurr/Sarc is a more nuanced self regulating style of leadership where I feel like I piss more people off than have friends.

I'm sorry to everyone for how I left but the bandaid needed to come off, and especially the officers and Rash had to put up with my bullshit in raids and on the forums. I probably roused more rabble than anyone and am not proud of it. You guys are all still my friends.

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